Tuesday, March 2, 2010

WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO THREAD


Last night I had a lot of time to contemplate life.

I turned off The Bachelor when "Jake the Pilot" turned out to be a big cry baby with impaired judgment as to what a sane bride should be.


Plus that sappy "On the Wings of Love" theme was giving new meaning to the word cheese. And that was making me hungry.


So I turned off the show and decided to ponder something equally important: the meaning of life.

And what did this deep introspection reveal? Two very important life paths that I still might take before I join that Great Antique Gallery in the Sky:

1) DEVOTE MYSELF TO THE CHURCH AND ITS VESTMENTS. One big plus: if you get high enough up the ecclesiastical ladder, you get to wear the coolest outfits, many of which are made of "cloth of gold!" How sa-weet is that!?

Plus I love the name for that fabric: cloth of gold is called "drap d'or" which you'd think would rhyme with trap door, right? But it's actually pronounced "drah DOOR". But as a Bishop or better yet a Cardinal, I'd insist on calling my gold frocks "DRAP DOORS".

So when members of my flock would compliment me on my "smock of gleaming gold", I could say, "Why this old thing?! It's just one of my many drap doors." And then they'd walk away perplexed and wondering what profound piece of wisdom I had just shared with them.

If any members of my family are reading this, I know what you're thinking: "Buzz, you nitwit, you can't be a Cardinal... you're Jewish for chrissake! Better you should become a Rabbi who works on the side as an antique dealer." My answer is simple: Rabbi's don't wear "cloth of gold" and polyester blends give me a rash.

2) I COULD ALSO DEDICATE MY LIFE TO WEIRD SOFAS. At this point, I figure I already spend 60% of my life prone on the couch watching TV (BTW, we never use the word "couch" in polite company unless you grew up in Van Nuys, which I did. For the rest of you, say "sofa" and you won't sound like a hayseed). Here's an example of a very weird sofa:

Anyhow, in my golden years, I've become something of a pomme de canape (couch potato). And you know what? I really like it! Plus, my guidance counselor in Junior High told me: "Do what you love and the money will follow." Of course he died dirt poor. But anyhow...

The reason "the sofa life" would be fun is that I could watch every "Real Housewives" episode to see what incredibly bad taste most of them have in antiques and home decorating. I mean really....some of those homes are crimes against nature, not to mention supremely tacky. But these design disasters are just like car crashes-they're so horrible you just can't look away. Don't believe me? Howz about this Jersey housewife sofa?

Plus, I love telling people that the world of weird sofas is a science that only the privileged, the smart, and the very idle can actually master. And since I'm in the third category, I could go on and on about obscure sofas like these:

A confident, pronounced "CON fee dah(n)", also called a tête-à-tête, pronounced "TET ah TET", and ALSO called a vis-à-vis, pronounced "VEEZ-ah-VEE", like this one by Salvador Dali:

Note how the confident is essentially in the shape of an S and how it accomodates only two people.

Then there's the indiscret, pronounced "IN de cray") a sofa-like piece designed very similar to a confident but made for three people:


An indiscret can also be round like this Napoleon III one:



Another weird sofa is the caseuse, pronounced "coh ZURZ", which is just a fancy name for a love seat. Here's a grand Louis XVI example:

And finally there's a boudeuse (pronounced "boo DURZ"), defined loosely as an upholstered salon seat that shares one back between them, like this one:

I think that's it for now. Buzz out.

7 comments:

Cashon&Co said...

You had me at Jake the Pilot....the cry baby, but you forgot to add "who picked the wrong girl and will be sorry in 2 months"....OY....
Seriously though, Loved the couch/sofa post. That Dali piece is To Die For....And I think you'd make a great bishop. :)

Buzz Kaplan said...

That's so funny you said that. I thought the exact same thing about Vienna. Don't get me wrong, I love Vienna Sausages but I just wasn't that sold on the girl. I think in a couple of months he'll be sorry he didn't order the sausage.

B.

P.S. I hope I'm wrong and they live happily ever after.

Dandy said...

So funny. You and your sofas deserve to be dripping in gold. You rule!

Michele from Boston said...

Buzz-
Thanks for the much needed giggles on yet another gray and snowy morning. My inner Roman matron would LOVE that Coliseum-settee as a conversation starter, but where to put it? Couldn't bear to watch The Bachelor - On the Wings of Love (I get it: he's a pilot! and a theme song) I think, speaking as a woman, you'd need to be pretty skanky to be on that show so I'm guessing marital bliss - or elegant antique furniture - is not in their future. His choice does have on her side the celeb baby name craze meaning she must have been conceived in Vienna, but probably NOT Austria. I do think you'd make a smashing ecclesiastic, however. Enjoying your posts as always...

JeanMarie said...

Love the posts and your style of teaching. I wish you could add that little pronunciation icon to aid us in sounding as smart, comfortable and continental as you with all these beautiful words. (Probably would costs a fortune.) Missed all of this season of the bachelor except for the finale and must remember to skip that, as well, in the future. I just can't watch any more.

Bill said...

Buzz,
A friend of mine was doing some research at the archives at the White House. To study various papers, she was given a desk in a room (the China Room)with a round sofa with a tall "cone shape" in the middle. Would that also be called an Indiscret? Also, Napoleon III?
I LOVE your blog!
Carolyn

Buzz Kaplan said...

Thanks for everyone's kind comments! In answer to your question, Carolyn, those round sofas in hotel lobbies are indeed indiscrets if they have three dividers. If they don't, I've always called them roundabouts. But I've also heard them referred to loosely as indiscrets as well. Hope that helps!

B.